After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
