dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
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Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
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Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I think my moral compass just broke
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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