Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
