yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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