fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
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I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
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HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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