I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Randomize
