The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
