Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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