dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
