I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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