you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
