Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
my being single is dangerous.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
