Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Randomize
