I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
