You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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