I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
