Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
