Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
