my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
