I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
