On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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