you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
