if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
