Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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