i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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