I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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