Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
