Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
