I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
