somebody snuck up and got me drunk
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
