I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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