apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
