Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
