i would punch a child for taco bell
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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