i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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