Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
