my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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