On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
