my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Randomize
