he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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