i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
