Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
