i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
