I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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