Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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