I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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