We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
