Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
