just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Randomize
