I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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