ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
