Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
