I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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