thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
