I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Randomize
