mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
