btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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