Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
