Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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