ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize
