does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
