Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
